Last night, while watching the Hurricanes smack around the Panthers — 6 Hurricanes goals in the third period! — on TV they showed a small feature about Cam Ward and his day with the Stanley Cup. At one point they, of course, show him after the game hoisting the Cup. Quite like the picture to the right, actually. Julia turned around and said “Papa, why does he have the Piston Cup?”

(The reference may be oblique for those either not hockey fans or not Cars fans. The Piston Cup is the Pixar take on the Winston Cup trophy as seen in their movie Cars. The Stanley Cup is the trophy awarded to the champion of the NHL.)

Don’t know where it came from — aside from Imageshack — but I saw it and cried.

What did this guy do? Go do a Google image search for “threatening leer”. Precisely one result. I don’t even want to know the connection.

I’ve struggled to define my faith. I’d say I don’t have much of one, but apparently I’m 100% Universal Unitarian. Of course, the primary tenet of that “faith” seems to be an abiding ability to successfully breathe oxygen. But I believe I’ve discovered the road to true enlightenment and, possibly, even transcendence.

I give to you Peeism.

Peeism is founded on the belief that we, as thinking, feeling humans full of compassion, are bigger than our pee. We’re not a slave to our urine nor to our weak, imperfect pee containment vessels, our bladders. Realizing this, the Peeist takes control over her life in ways that the layman does not.

Peeism : Taking Control

A Peeist does not blindly rush to the nearest bladder evacuation portal at the merest hint of need or discomfort. Does the pee have somewhere to be? Is the pee’s need more important than yours? No. Pee can wait. We — the thinking, sentient being — are in control. Pee — the waste product — is not.

Hold the pee. Relish in the clarity of thought that a truly full bladder provides. Veterans of war often say that their senses tingle on the battlefield, that they’ve never felt as truly alive as in those moments of equal terror and exhilaration. Existing with a full bladder exposes the Peeist to sensations that may be uncomfortable. The body, a flawed specimen, may be unaccustomed to this state. Push through.

The moment of enlightenment and splendor occurs only when the Peeist himself, aware of his consciousness, decides that the time is right to void his bladder. Imagine the euphoria! That first torrent of relief when peeing — when you decide — strikes as an almost physical blow of revelation and freedom. Acolyte Peeists have been known to swoon and weep during their initial forays.

I call to you, thinking reader. Embrace Peeism and choose your own destiny.

God do I have to whiz.

This is your chance to own some remarkable memorabilia gauranteed to be personally used and, yes, even touched by acclaimed Internet personality, ColdForged! Truly a better opportunity for Internet stalkers and generic weirdos hasn’t been seen since MySpace opened. Here are the items up for auction! Gape! Gasp!

ColdForged’s own ART SGX 2000 Express Guitar Multieffects processor!!

That’s right, the guitar effects processor lovingly used by me! An excellent piece of equipment just waiting for the right home. It’s a struggle to part with such a momento of glorious times — this is the box that produced the dulcet guitar tones of the only two gigs ever performed by my seminal band “Groove Wagon” — but it’s got to go! Also comes with my X-15 Ultrafoot MIDI controller pedalboard. My feet were on this thing! No, really! Go bid right away!

ColdForged’s own Yamaha MD4 Multitrack Minidisc recorder!!

I know, it’s hard to believe that for more chump change you could own the minidisc recorder used by me! Folks, I recorded the song Cat and I danced to at our wedding on this recorder. That’s historical significance right there. Significant significance. I’ve twiddled those knobs, slid those sliders, and pressed those buttons. Me! Personally! And, you could own it if you bid the winning bid!

Truly, these are once in a lifetime opportunities. Act now before it’s too late! Once they’re gone, they’re gone! Your opportunity to own a piece of history is at hand! Sieze the day! Buy my used shit! Carpe crappe!

(Please note, my tongue is firmly in cheek in case it wasn’t obvious.)