Mid-term election time, what a joy. A time when the general populace can choose from two equally misguided factions of people trying to run the country into the ground. Bitterness, thy name is ColdForged!

But seriously, what’s a fellow to do? The Republicans have draped themselves with the habit of the pious, courting the religious right and building their platform on, of all things, a marriage protection amendment. It provides no end of entertainment reading the platforms of these candidates who, when asked what the top priorities they want to address in their term, name the protection of the sanctity of marriage. Fuck education and inordinate spending, that whole terror thing is sooooo early 21st century, and the continuing divergence between the right and left means naught… we have to take a stand against these insidious queers! They’ve also seemingly forgotten that “conservative” not only applies to gay bashing but was traditionally representative of a fiscal policy that called for lower spending. Whew, fiscally responsible they ain’t. The Democrats are no better, doing nothing much more than pointing at the White House and saying “everything that guy says is bullshit.”

With a tangent in religious hypocrisy

Republicans have to be shaking their heads at the happenings recently. Their numbers in the shitter due to the low approval rating of their Commander In Chief — I heard a precious commentary on NPR on how limited Bush’s campaigning has been with everyone scurrying to distance themselves from him — and various scandals involving either congressmen or prominent evangelicals are taking up headline space. What a treat!

Few things are as enjoyable than witnessing the sanctimonious fall from grace. First we have Congressman Mark Foley, courting male teenage pages online. From sponsoring child pornography bills to asking young boys whether their dicks are hard as a rock. That’s a curious mixture. Here’s an elected representative making happy noises about protecting children from the evils of sexual predation who jerks off while chatting with those under his influence. Think about this kid who wanted a cool job, some kind of stepping stone and who now has a powerful member of congress asking the size of his penis. What do you do?

Now, of course, we have the titillating “outing” of Ted Haggard, a man leading the battle against those horrible homosexuals and their reckless demands for marriage and a man who — allegedly — pays for gay sex and crystal meth. How deliciously hypocritical. He denied it, of course. I never understood that tactic. Did you ever call the guy? Is it possible you left some kind of evidence? If so, it will come out. Don’t deny it, you end up looking worse. In a wondrous bit of borrowing — Republicans can’t even make original scandals — Haggard’s “sure, I bought crystal meth but I never actually used it” surely smacks of Clinton’s ridiculous “inhale” comment. Come on, nobody bought it then, they’re not buying it now.

Well of course the Republicans will come out firing! Pointing the finger at everyone in recorded history because a scandal isn’t a scandal if someone else does it. Here’s a difference: as far as I recollect Clinton wasn’t trying to pass legislation banning blowjobs.

In which the Democrats look like imbeciles

So, here come the mid-term elections. The Democrats look like they literally can’t lose. Then Kerry walks out on stage and — regardless what you choose to believe was his true intent — says something very much like “our soldiers are illiterate bumpkins.” Yeah John! Way to alienate the entire constituency! I don’t think he’s quite that dumb. Here’s a veteran who knows that calling soldiers stupid would be political suicide, he’s not going to do it on purpose. But what a way to boof a line! He was never a great candidate, though likely better than Gore, but now he’s anathema. I theorize that Kerry isn’t actually Kerry any more… I think he was body-snatched by the Republican party and a stooge a-la Dave is now in place just waiting for this opportunity to absolutely torpedo the Democratic party hopes.

You’d swear both parties are searching for ways to lose. Can’t there be a good alternative?

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