How did it come to this? We in the United States are, arguably, the most technologically advanced society in the world. In this age of gigahertz processors and Martian rovers, when people can “stay connected” almost 24 hours a day in any terrain or environment, with so many advances in our standard of living and general comfort level how can the pinnacle of ass-cleaning technology be a flimsy roll of easily-torn paper? We’ve evolved from crawling on all fours to walking on our two legs to riding animals to our first experimentation with moving machines to landing on the moon and exploring the outer reaches of our solar system and yet we can’t come up with anything better than Quilted Charmin to purify our befouled anuses. What the hell?
The French Know Their Asses Well
At least the French have bidets which, for the uninitiated, are sexual implements that blow steaming water straight into your colon, though I think we’re legally obligated to call them “Freedom bidets” here in the States. This is a step in the right direction. You stand a chance in hell of acquiring a relatively clean backside with a Freedom bidet. That’s more than you can say for our ordinary two-ply — if you’re lucky and don’t work in the average, cost-cutting office building where you’ll use one-ply and you’ll like it — diaphanous paper. I’d say that we’ve actually taken a step backward from the early 20th century when the ass cleaning tools of choice were pages from the Sears catalog. At least those pages were stout, nearly impenetrable sheafs. Hell, even early Mohammedans had a more sturdy mechanism in their left hand.
An Experiment
If you do not see the inherent inefficiencies, please allow me to suggest an illustrative experiment.
Step 1: Grow a lush beard (women may find testosterone helpful in this task). Step 2: Procure a jar of peanut butter. Step 3: Fill a small bowl with approximately 3 tablespoons of peanut butter. Step 4: Place your hands behind your back. Step 5: Bend at the waist and eat all of the peanut butter out of the dish. Step 6: Using only toilet paper, clean your damned face. No mirrors allowed.
It’s Time To Take A Stand
We’re projected to spend an additional $80 billion in Iraq and Afghanistan this year. NASA has a budget of $16.2 billion for fiscal 2005. Can we not allocate some much-needed funding to take the next step in personal hygiene? Think of the children. And their asses.
Lee Says:January 25th, 2005 at 6:54 pm
Don’t you know how to use the three seashells?
(cite: Demolition Man)
agnOstos Says:January 26th, 2005 at 9:13 am
LOL!!! and you know they never did show how to use the damn things!
I agree CF. When are we going to get past this TP usage?
ColdForged Says:January 26th, 2005 at 10:19 am
“How’s that damn 3 seashell thing work?”
Ah, Lee, you made my morning
.
LoTekGuru Says:January 26th, 2005 at 4:38 pm
heh that’s funny, The 3 seashell thing popped into my head while reading this too
Dan Says:January 27th, 2005 at 7:54 am
Until the “next big thing” in sanitary technology, you could always treat yourself to the state-of-the-art in toiletries: Shitbegone.
junkyardbob Says:May 18th, 2005 at 5:25 pm
The answer to Stallone’s question about the 3 sea shells is u use one to scoop your arse turds into the other two which are then dropped down the shoot to the left of your commode,where they are transferred to the local fertilization plant in your neighboring rice fields.To the right of your commode you will notice three new shells have appeared all ready for your next deposit.Don’t forget to use the coupons every deposit earns you on your next stop at Taco Bell
WTF Says:May 23rd, 2005 at 8:30 pm
demolition man how do they use the 3 shells?