Hark! Another universal axiom! Prythee:
ColdForged’s Immutable Law of Seating When attending a professional sporting event people sitting in seats of higher cost are, almost without exception, utter tools. First Corollary: The cheapest seats are invariably filled with belligerent drunks. Second Corollary: The most expensive seats are invariably filled with belligerent drunks.
Last week, I had the distinct pleasure to be seated on center ice, lower-level about midway up. Expensive seats compared to my usual ones up in the upper corners, but I got the tickets for free. I found myself almost continuously uttering “wow” under my breath, as I felt like I could see so much more of the game. What a treat! Except for the well-dressed dolt in a neck brace beside us whose running commentary had me yearning to conduct experiments on the mobility of his well-coiffed noggin. “Hit someone, Ward!!” he’d disgustedly exhort. Hey, Floppy Head, I don’t see you out there throwing any hip checks. Hell, he’d faint dead away if Marty Murray (note: 5’9″, 180 pounds) glided past him, much less hit him.
Then last night we had suite tickets for my “graduation” from Hurricanes U (which was cool, by the way… got to see the broadcast booth, got to stand behind the goal during warmups, got to sit in the suite and eat food). In the next suite over was a guy in a Brind’Amour jersey (aside: why spend ~$200 on a personalized jersey for a team you evidently dislike so vehemently) who likewise could not under threat of death keep his trap shut. I’ve been known to comment on certain things from time to time, but this guy was priceless. “Shoot the damned puck! Aw Christ, Francis, make a pass. Storr! Get the back in the net!”* I heard a moment of silence at one point and thought maybe he had left or died, but he was merely drinking from his $10 beer to work some moisture back into his parched, gaping maw so he could begin anew and refreshed.
In the cheap seats you hear complaining, but it’s normally directed at the refs or the opposing team. Also the cutesie little things come out there, like the “Gee, I wonder how much time is left!” right before the announcer says “one minute left in the period” (“Thank you!”). All in all, I think I’ll keep my cheap seats. Instead of listening to the rich, spoiled aristocracy bitch incessantly about the game, I can listen to the average schmoe bitch incessantly about the game. Hmm… maybe I should just stay home.
* In the interest of full disclosure, it may have been me that said this last one. Storr does not inspire confidence in his play when nearly every single time he leaves the net he just lazily caresses the puck in the half-boards as he dreams up sonnets or something, then gently flings a pass at the nearest opposing player as he daintily glides back toward the crease. Move. Your. Ass.
2 Responses to “Gimme the cheap seats”
Dooooooooood! You had suite seats for an NHL game! How sweet is that?!?!?! I still envy you for the Hurricane U, but I’ll get over it. Man, ain’t it the truth about fux that can afford the good seats are nothing but ingrates? I’ve even yelled at fooks like that at the local UHL games, “Down in front!” They look up and see a big pissed off bald guy and shut up. I spose one of these days I’ll run across a descendant of Bruce Lee such as yourself but until then Ima keep yelling at the rich fukt ignant bastids. It’s a hockey game and I have testicles! What can I say?!?!
Yeah man, pretty seriously sweet. Maybe if I ever hit the Michigan area we can head to a ‘Wings game, eh? That would completely kick. You been?