Some things seem impossible. Levitation. Telepathy. Local number portability. There was one thing I assumed was impossible before this afternoon: crafting a more abhorrent version of Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors. Enter our office restroom, and the dire strains of a Muzak version of the song. True, this version did successfully remove Lauper’s annoying nasal rasp, but I didn’t think it possible for a song so devoid of life to be any further neutered. Ha!

I can’t assume that Muzak musicians dreamt of becoming Muzak musicians as they grew up. Was it their penultimate goal to provide the melody line to Feed The World (Let Them Know It’s Christmas) on saxophone? I can only lay so much blame on the musicians themselves. Surely they just have scores slapped in front of them as they try to breathe soul into a rousing version of Tea In The Sahara on oboe.

Who should we truly castigate? The arrangers. These malevolent felons actually deconstruct previously acceptable (and sometimes not) tunes and turn them into somnolent dirges. I can think of no higher evil. That can’t be a fun thing to admit to when at parties someone asks what you do… has to be right up there with sheep molestation.

“I drown puppies and trip the elderly, what do you do?”

“Oh, I create arrangements for popular songs and turn them into effective soporifics.”

“Jesus. Excuse me, I have to… go over there or something.”

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