I have my mom back, at least temporarily. The cycle repeats. She’s still doing poorly — very sore from falling — but at least she knows I’m on her side again.
That’s what I have to tell myself. “It’s just the disease talking, that’s not Mom.”
Last weekend I moved my mother into an assisted living facility. It’s something we’d talked about with her for the past couple of months as her cancer progressed. She didn’t want us to take care of her because she didn’t want to “be a burden”. She didn’t want someone else to come stay with her at her house because she’s not comfortable having strangers in the house. That pretty much leaves assisted living. So I visited all of them and brought brochures and showed them to her, discussing them. It’s all crap, anyway. They all say the same things and 95% of it would have no bearing on my mother’s stay. By the time she went I figured she’d be almost bed-ridden, unable to take advantage of all of the wonderful amenities and such. She said it repeatedly: I don’t care what it’s like as long as it’s clean and quiet.
I narrowed it down to two — with a strong favorite — and Cat took my aunts to see both of them and they picked the same one. So we were unanimous. My one aunt stayed with her during the week. She was a nurse prior to retirement. She concluded, as we had, that mom was at the point where she couldn’t be left alone any more. It was time.
I had been managing her medication for a few weeks, ever since we came home from vacation to find my mother mentally adrift. It’s the Goddamned cancer. She goes in cycles of utter confusion for a few days then almost complete lucidity. When it’s bad it’s pretty bad. She has no conception of time so even with a single cup set out with the time marked on it in Sharpie when she’s supposed to take it she’s still confused. She simply could no longer care for herself.
Last weekend we decided it was time. I rushed around Friday finalizing the arrangements with the place. Mom had to be dragged out to a hospital for a chest x-ray to prove she didn’t have TB. Everything was finally in order. Saturday was spent loading up a U-Haul and taking what we’d be moving over while my aunt stayed with mom. We got everything situated and I went back to pick them up and bring her to her new home. She was a mom. She thanked us for all the hard work and assured us it was perfect. Almost too good to be true. She kept asking whether there was enough money for such a nice place and we assured her that everything was fine. And it is.
This week has seen an incredible decline. Her confusion has mounted. She’s gotten weaker after such a strong start. Yesterday while I was visiting in the morning she could no longer stand up on her own. Over the weekend paranoia set in. She was convinced that someone was scamming her. People were “pushing medications on her”. I did my best to assuage her fears.
Today I was the enemy. I had the hardest conversation I’ve ever had with my mother. It took a while but it finally came out.
“So this is my life now,” she said, eyes closed and head back on her recliner.
“Yeah Mom, I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “I never imagined you were so conniving.”
I blinked. “How am I conniving, Mom?”
“You’ve always been so much smarter than me. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with my son.”
“Mom, it sounds like you think I’ve done something to hurt you. What is it?”
“You took away my life. You must have gotten this out of a book or something. Which book was it?”
“There’s no book, Mom.”
“Is it about the money?”
“Is what about the money, Mom? What am I doing.”
“You’re so damned logical. Don’t turn everything around again. I’m through talking about this, I want to go to bed.”
“Okay Mom. I’ll push the call button.”
She shared in an almost smug tone that she’d fallen earlier. Trying to go to the bathroom — with assistance, I believe — and fell. She said it almost as if to say “see what you’ve caused?”
The nurses came and helped her into bed. She curled up and covered her face with the sheet. I sat there for a few minutes. I finally went over and rubbed her arm.
“I love you, Mom. I’m sorry you feel bad and I hope you sleep well tonight.” She’d had two very bad nights filled with paranoid thoughts — they’re going to kick me out because I’m out of money, etc — and I wanted her to have good sleep.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll make sure of that.”
I left, cried a bit in the hall. It’s the disease talking.
Do you smell that? It’s damned near hockey time. It’s kind of bittersweet for me this year as traditionally we go to Hurricanes games with my mom and this year she’s just not up for it. That’s a hard fact of life to run into and one that will likely have more profound impacts as the year wears on.
It’s also the time for the annual hockey videogame battle between EA and 2K Sports with their own brands of hockey. Sadly, that race has been decided by default; 2K Sports isn’t releasing a hockey game this year for the 360 or PS3. Frankly, I’m sure it was an easy decision business wise. EA has reinvented their game and gone from a laughing stock to a serious contender in 5 years. In contrast, 2K’s game has faltered and sputtered each of those same years until by last year only the most diehard 2K fan still claimed them. I tried both last year and couldn’t stomach 2K’s for more than a week. That’s a stark contrast to 2003 when I laughed at EA’s ridiculous attempts in the face of 2K’s incredible title. This year I guess I won’t have to decide.
The demo for NHL 11 came out this week and it’s promising. Every year has seen the gameplay become a wee bit more organic and natural flowing and the addition of a supposedly real physics model for the hitting engine and some additional puck freedom and independence yields quite impressive results. The new faceoff system is welcome if late compared with 2K. A new card-oriented mode — Pokemon on ice! — might provide some interest for some and the Be A GM mode gets RFA’s and other long-awaited additions.
The on-ice controls have been tweaked only slightly. Each year has seen subtle additions to a fairly solid formula. 2007 was the introduction of the new era with a primary focus on the offensive skill stick. 2008 added user-created plays, some deking controls and some defensive controls to counter the offensive flexibility. 2009 added some effective dump and chase, puck protection and more defensive controls like stick lifts. Last year introduced board play and finally allowed you to explicitly decide when to skate backwards. That’s pretty stout. This year we see mostly refinements: subtly different puck protection, more subtle hitting and incidental contact, hip checking, manual passing strength and some more deking tools to work through the defense.
I’m fairly simple. I’ll diddle with Be A Pro mode and likely stick primarily with season mode as my beloved Hurricanes. I think a Cup is in their immediate future.
I’ll take “Words I don’t want to hear myself say” for 400, Alex. Classic.
First of all, I got my knee stuck in the crack and I got quite scared and I couldn’t get it out and then… I shit my pants.
Boogie ’til You Poop from Cedar Wright on Vimeo.
- Late to the game but Alan Wake is quite hot so far. Creepy stuff! #
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I have a sheep doing roofing over at my house. Come and drop in. We’ll put on Zeppelin and eat cheddar cheese.
- I tell you, those mammoth jugs on Gaia in God of War 3 defy description. Wonder if they're real. I'm betting silicon. Possibly granite. #
- I need a vacation. Brain filter misfired and I "reply all" to an external email containing an asinine question. First words? "God almighty." #
- There are people who criticize Christina Hendricks' figure? The terrorists are on the cusp of victory. #
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